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Mystery Movies - Today You Die

Buy Today You Die
Steven Seagal, Kevin Tighe
Directed by Don E. FauntLeRoy
Sony Pictures Home Entertainment 2005
90 minutes

Notes to Steven Seagal regarding Today You Die:

The next time you do a movie, try the following: Pronounce, enunciate, and speak up, man. You may think viewers think you sound tough but the way you speak in Today You Die –I am assuming the title is a message to the agent who got you into this thing--makes you sound more like Ozzy Osbourne and makes us pine for subtitles. Oh, and try not to look so bored all the time.

Anybody watching an action movie like Today You Die will give you a lot of slack. However, that willing suspension of disbelief does not extend to Steven Seagal being the only guy in jail allowed to keep wearing his designer jeans, t-shirt, and cool looking jean jacket. Also, there has got to be more than one, single, solitary shank in that prison so why do the criminals you are spending time with seem to have only the one shank and seem willing to share it between themselves?

Thanks for getting the usual chop-sockie stuff out of the way early. It was nice of all the bad guys in Today You Die to come after Steven Seagal one after the other and not en masse. Nice to see they followed the usual Hollywood rules about what to do when attacking the hero. Unfortunately, the jailhouse gang in Today You Die also seems to have watched The Shawshank Redemption one too many times and were intent on copying the fresh meat scenes. By the way, try hiring writers or chimpanzees with typing skills who can do more than crib lines from other movies such as “What we have here is a failure to communicate.”

One final recommendation: Take a couple of bucks from the special effects and car crash budget and invest in better hair extensions for that rat tail of yours.

Of course, any Steven Seagal action movie must have a lot of mystical mumbojumbo and Today You Die is no exception. It also has a chase scene or two although seeing the same cut to the same cop car ramming the armored truck makes you wonder at times. The plot is basically simple. A guy gets hired for a job, gets double-crossed, ends up in jail, escapes jail, and decides to get even with his employer and get the money back. The only variant in this movie is some sort of Robin Hood giving back to the poor –a children’s hospital about to close in this case.

Diehard fans of Steven Seagal will probably like this but not enough to want to watch it again.

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